Perhaps you have found yourself in this frame of mind. You’re not happy but you’re not sad. You’re glad to be where you are but wish you could be somewhere else. Your job is just that, a job. You’d love to be doing something else, something that makes a difference, that brings you a level of satisfaction that, to this point, you have not experienced, but you don’t know what that would be.
This is an awkward thing. This feeling of no feeling that one is feeling. I was fortunate enough to have some extra time at the holidays and was away from work for about 12 days. December was a good month to be certain. Plenty of time with family and some time in the woods camping as well as the normal joys that go with the holidays. I was able to get some areas of my life back on track, specifically my relationship with my Savior, and was able to have a consistent time of study and reflection in God’s word every day in the month of December. This is a great thing as it had been far too long. Longer than I will put in print, that I had been that consistent or willing or dedicated. It was a very good time of grace and soul searching and thinking.
In the midst of that thinking and choosing some things to study on and think more deeply about, I came across a book that simply called out to me. There is no better way to explain it than it called to me. “You need to read this. This is something that you need to seriously consider.” Now, I’m not going to tell you the name of the book. If you want to know, reply to the blog and I’ll send you the info in an email. I don’t want you to rush off to see what the book is about before you hear what it has me thinking about.
Now the quick ones will guess from the title of the post that it is about dreaming. Specifically it is about finding your God-given dream. It’s significant, because I haven’t dream like that for the last two decades. That’s a scary thing to acknowledge and an even scarier thing to live through. I’m obviously not speaking of the dreams we have at night when we sleep but rather the dreams one has of the life they will live, the difference they will make and the joy that living and fulfilling that dream will bring.
Two decades. 20 years of not dreaming. 240 months of believing that dream was no longer available to me. 7,300 + days of telling oneself that past, that perceived failure was greater than God’s ability to bring me back to the dream; or better yet, fashion a new dream for me to dream. Sounds so ridiculous when you type it on a page like that. Who believes something like that for so long? I did. Chances are if you’ve read this far, you have too.
In the book there is a quote that says, “When your memories exceed your dreams, your usefulness in life is over.”. At first blush the statement seems a bit fatalistic. Anything that ends with “your life is over” qualifies as fatalistic in my book. What it meant to me was that my memories, not just the mess ups and perceived failures, but the memories of my greater moments and successes were dominating my thinking. I couldn’t dream because I was spending all my energy longing for, analyzing, and reliving the past. Dreams are only found in the future. Never in the past. I wanted what was but it was unfulfilled longing. A bitter anguish for something that was deader than dead and completely and utterly unattainable.
Perhaps you have felt this. While going along with your day, doing as one always does, a thought, a memory of the past pops in your head. A memory of a past mistake, something you did or said that you regret. This happens when I’m reading or thinking on things of God especially. This is the devil. Bringing to mind the past. Waving every failure, every slight, every mistake in our lives as a flag of shame and regret to distract me from the things of God and from dreaming.”You’re not worthy to dream, he says. You can’t have that because you have never been what God wants you to be. You’ve never been good enough.” He is a buzzing gnat, a masterful liar, a diligent pest. He’s the dream eater. But then….
God steps forward to remind me. Remind me I am worthy enough that He sent His only Son Jesus to take the penalty for all my sins. To purchase for me a hope. He knows the plans He has for me, to prosper me, not to harm me. God is the dream creator. So here I am dreaming dreams again. It’s difficult. Two decades of rust are hard to shake loose. What is the dream? Not gonna tell ya. It’s for me to know. God is revealing it in many ways. There is a dream for my family, a dream for my career, a dream for things I believe He wants me to experience and a dream for how He wants me to minister to those around me. Yes, two decades of rust is hard to shake loose but shake it loose I am. The joy is in the journey they say. There is joy in discovering that I can dream again. There’s joy in relying on my Savior to show me anything. Everything. So….dream a little dream with me……. And when the devil brings those thoughts, that past, that regret to mind. Look to the Father and say, “Daddy, he’s touching me again. Make him stop. Thank you daddy.” and dream.
Todd (aka DaddyDaddy)