Nerves on edge

Thirty-six hours and counting. Holy time lines Batman! I’m going nuts right now.  I feel like there are still so many things to do at home and work before I leave. If I check my packing list one more time it’s going to have a moment of spontaneous combustion.

I know this is all in my head. The problem is everything is whirling around in there like a blender on frappe. Everything is spreading out like a supernova going in 5000 directions at once. This is why I hate taking vacations. It’s the seemingly never ending list of has this been covered.  Me trying to prepare my guys for every eventuality, every nuance of what might happen or this could come up. It’s maddening. I truly don’t have that much trouble once I leave the building. I have always been able to walk away from the job and leave it.  I’m usually good for about four days on vacation before I start to get the junkie’s itch feeling like I should get back at it.  That’s why this is messing with my head so badly.  I’ll be on the trail for four-and-a-half days before I technically set foot back into civilization.  Right on the mark of my usual D.T.s withdrawal. Then I meet the wife and kids for the “real vacation”.  The one where I am totally devoted to them and thinking only of what they want and making sure my kids have the time of their lives. Nothing is off limits. If we can physically do it, it’s on.

I can see myself slipping around the corner to check voicemails or emails or check on the guys and make sure such and such went okay. They refuse the call me with anything, which I appreciate and hate all at the same time. I’d rather know about it, know that I need to handle that when I get back, then file it away for the duration.  I truly can do that. If I have to walk back in and have stuff hit me from the jump like that…well…it just isn’t good.

Control issues? Really, you’re gonna say that to me? Maybe, to an extent, but that’s the beauty of the section hike. To get me out of the known and into the unknown. To push my own buttons and see what comes out. A friend of mine told he thought this could be a life changing experience.  I’m hoping he’s right.

I want to be different. More confident, less cocky.  More even minded, less judgmental. More humble, less proud.  I need to feel smaller on the planet. I need to be in a big place that can swallow me whole and never hiccup. I need to walk around in a suit of holiness, and by that I mean being set apart for a purpose, that has been ill fitting and dusty for far too long.

Scared? Oh what the hey, sure. A bit. Gonna let it show? Not if I can help it. I’m just gonna keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, and look for some lessons to learn both about hiking and about living.  Mostly about living. If I’m fortunate, I’ll have something that will stick with me for the rest of my life and allow me to be the better man, better husband and better father I hope constantly to be.

So ready for this to get underway. God, grant me all of that which you know I need the most.  Amen!


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